I Write the Songs...

the straight story through plastic girl's eyes

February 5, 2003

Working in the Record Industry, I listen to music all day long. Even though I specialize in jazz, I listen to all genres of music. There are some songs that stick in my head amongst the hundreds I hear every week. And, in those songs, there are some lyrics that are just so ridiculous, I have to discuss them here.

“I just love your brain”
Like I Love You – Justin Timberlake
This little tidbit is just a soft vocal amidst the rap sequence halfway through the song. It’s funny just as a stand-alone line. Sure you just love her brain, Justin! I TOTALLY believe you. But then, consider what “brain” means in slang, and take the context of the rap lyrics on either side of this one: “Funny how a few words turn into sex,” and “Ma, take a hint, make a swerve in the lane.” Justin is too wholesome to say it himself, so he has to get a rapper to do it for him. Justin likes the oral sex! He loves the brain! Not the one you think with! God must have spent a little more time on that girl.

“You taste like honey, honey, tell me can I be your honeybee”
Disease – Matchbox Twenty
Ah, the same word over and over, with different meanings. I don’t know why, but I dig on this line. I don’t care for the rest of the song, but if I’m scanning the airwaves and I come across this song, I will wait until I hear the line before I move on. And I sing along, adding a little growl on the second honey just like Rob does. Why do I listen?! I don’t know. The line haunts me! It’s stupid, and the stupid songs always get in my head. It’s a cruel, cruel world.

“Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be”
‘03 Bonnie and Clyde – Jay-Z Featuring Beyonce Knowles
Beyonce! Don’t trip! Just go with the flow. If you think about how happy you could be with Jay-Z, you are inevitably going to realize that Jay is OLD. And not that attractive. Yeah, I know that he’s got the bling-bling. He’s hooking you up with the Burkin, the Burberry, the Manolos, but you don’t need that, girl! You’re rich all on your own! The thing about this song is, Jay-Z is totally proud of how well he treats his girlfriend, then he starts listing all the crap he buys for her. You KNOW that’s why she’s with you! Beyonce could get ANYONE, dawg! She’s GORGEOUS!

“And I’m good, reppin’ the girls on the block”
All I Have – Jennifer Lopez Featuring LL Cool J
I would like to get one thing straight – Jennifer Lopez does not rep me, or my block. I mean, her house is probably as big as the block I live on. So maybe that’s what she means. It’s okay to claim you’re your block’s rep if you are the only person that lives on it. But doesn’t Ben live with her now? I mean, he’s not technically a girl, but you know he’s so whipped. J Lo totally reps him.

“Next to her cheap silicon I look minimal”
Objection (Tango) – Shakira
Shakira is totally ripping on the fake boobs here. But Shakira, you gotta realize that small-boobed girls can totally rock so many cute shirts that chicks with big knockers can’t. I give her props for her later line when she says, “but you gotta know small things also count.” I’m small, and know I know I count! Thanks for repping me, Shakira. Maybe you should sing J Lo’s songs.

“Let’s ride, I’m yo Clyde, you can be my Bonnie”
Bump Bump Bump – B2K Featuring P. Diddy
All of a sudden, Bonnie and Clyde references are popping up in hip-hop songs. I guess they’re the “It” criminals. But, what’s with this latest trend of calling your girlfriend “mommy?” It’s kind of gross. Like, why do rappers want to do it with their mommies? Is incest cool now? I am so out of the loop.

“Yeah yeah-eee yeah, yeah-eee yeah, yeah-eee yeah, yeah-eee yeah, YEEEAAAH!”
I’m With You – Avril Lavigne
Avril yodels! And shouts! Who knew she had it in her? I just picture goats and mountains and stuff. It totally takes me out of the song. Well, I mean, it WOULD take me out of the song, were someone besides Avril Lavigne performing it. She’s a deal-breaker.

“I got a fetish with fucking you with the skirt on, on a back street in the back seat of a Yukon”
Mesmerize – Ja Rule Featuring Ashanti
I love it when guys talk dirty. If Ja were to say this to me, I couldn’t get to that Yukon fast enough. Sex in a car! With my clothes on! I have never heard such an amazing turn on before. And a fetish? That’s so sexy! Oh, wait. No. I would laugh. What’s with all the nasty lyrics in Top 40 airplay these days? When did that happen? I was just wondering.

“Go downtown and eat it like a vulture”
Work It – Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott
This line only recently replaced “call before you come, I need to shave my cho-cha” as my favorite line in this song. I think it’s because I was always laughing after that lyric and I didn’t pay attention to the vulture line. Go downtown! Eat it! I love Missy. She doesn’t even try to hide what she means anymore, and she still gets played on Top 40! This is nasty and I love it and fully support more of it. Unless Christina Aguilera sings it. Or Avril Lavigne. I would also like to add that my spell checker wants to change “Aguilera” into “uglier.” Sometimes the computer is funnier than I could ever hope to be.

“Big boys stomping in my Air Force Ones” Air Force Ones – Nelly Featuring Kyjuan, Ali, & Murphy Lee
Oh, big boys in your big expensive shoes! All stomping around! Acting big! All growed up! I bet you stomp around and throw a fit if the store doesn’t have the shoe you want, just like a big boy. This song kills me. It’s entirely devoted to shoe shopping! And, it is totally, deadly serious. Do NOT touch the shoes, man! They will shoot you! I never thought the day would come that a shoe song would hit the airwaves performed by MEN. Has Hell frozen over? Dogs are gonna start having sex with cats now! Please, though, don't shoot me for making fun of you.

I really think I should get into the songwriting business. I can TOTALLY write crap like that.

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